Smart Mouth

Discovery Channel – Sunday 9C

Maldives Islands. Wait, don’t people go here on vacation? I won’t be going there any time soon based on that snake that the woman was trying to caveman chop in the opening sequence.

On with the show!

Meet Jonathan, from Los Angeles, CA. A former Marine Sniper, he talks about traveling the world, living in jungles, rescuing hostages, etc… and says, “No matter how hard this gets, I won’t quit.” So, obviously at some point, duder is going to try to quit.

Meet Alison, from “the world”, she is a surfer and adventure model. (A model. So, the no eating part should be a breeze for her. HA!) She was raised in remote locations all over the world, never went to school and lived in a 6×6 tent. So, basically… a gypsy! Yay! I like her! She hopes this is a “coming of age” adventure for her.

They ride in on a boat and talk about their fears. Alison is worried about being naked and says she is very conservative. (But, somehow a completely naked adventure sounded like a good idea to her.) Jonathan burns easily and mostly concerned about his trouser snake getting burnt.

Commence stripping down and making the long beach walk towards each other. They shake hands. Thank God there were no hugs this time. Though Jonathan seems disappointed and laments that since they are naked at least she is young and attractive. You couldn’t get me to go on this “adventure” with Johnny Depp, but whatever motivates you buddy.

They check out their “supplies”. They each get a small shoulder bag that contains a camera to document themselves, a map and their one essential item. Alison has brought a fire starter and John has brought a hatchet.

There are two islands, they are on the smaller one of the two. The larger island has more resources and shade coverage. The two islands are separated by a shark infested channel, or so says the Discovery channel. John thinks it is necessary to swim to the larger island because his bologna pony is already getting sunburned. They are scared of sharks and getting swept out to sea, but risk it anyway. They make it there with little trouble (and not a single shark siting), they declare this their first bonding experience.

*sidebar: They both have really nice butts and I am appreciative that the camera crew seems to notice this as much as I do. *end sidebar

Both of the adventurers were put through rigorous testing, physical and mental, and given an initial survival rating. Based on his military experience but lack of social skills, Jonathan is rated at a 6.9. Alison is given credit for her wealth of survival knowledge, but taking into consideration her lack of experience with hard core military types she is given a rating of 8.0.
So, they’re already worried about Jonathan being a douche. Oh, BURN Jonathan.

The day they arrived in the Maldives is especially hot, burn time is about 5 minutes and the skin can even BOIL. Who knew that could even HAPPEN?!?! Jonathan looks like a lobster and he is already whining. Alison is sure Jonathan can make it. Alison is wrong.

Jonathan starts making a shelter, he is hoping their body heat at night will keep them warm. Not sure why he is worried about body heat when it is 112 degrees out. I think he is hoping to spoon the model… which is probably why he is again worrying about his schmeckel being burnt.

Jonathan decides he needs to rest and Alison stays busy MacGyver’ing things. Before long she gas weaved herself a sunhat! Jonathan is now second guessing his decision to come on this “adventure” at all. He is not sure he can make it. It is 93 degrees in the shade and he has progressed to a other worldly shade of red.

They have been there for 30 hours now and Alison is forced to pick up the slack. She has made herself a huge fan/grocery sack by weaving jungle shit together. Jonathan already wants to quit, doesn’t know why he even signed up for this shit.

Day 3 – Jonathan is not sleeping. Alison states his sunburn is “90 million times worse than any sunburn she has EVER had.” I bet his disco stick is about to fall off. Alison collects some berries to make into a paste to put on his burn. It doesn’t help and it is messing with his mind. Alison scampers off in her leaf bikini and sunhat, balancing her big woven grocery bag on her head. She is in search of coconuts, but instead wanders into a field of treasures! She finds a purse, a pair of mismatched flip-flops, water bottles, a shirt and a pair of underwear for Jonathan! WOO-HOO! She is pumped! Beach trash rocks!

She remembers she is looking for coconuts and tries to yank them out of the tree with a huge bamboo stick. This isn’t working though, so she climbs the tree like a monkey instead. This nets her a few precious coconuts before the fire ants try to destroy her. She strolls back with all her treasures and instead of being grateful, Jonathan is pissy that Alison is dumpster diving, fixated on coconuts and not focused on getting water. Alison finally starts to get frustrated that she is pulling all the weight.

Day 5 – Alison calls Jonathan worthless. She is worried he isn’t going to get better. I am worried too.

Day 6 – Alison wakes up with CRAMPS! OMG! Again? Why doesn’t this show make sure that these women don’t get their periods during the “adventure”?!?! Is she MacGyver’ing tampons and pads? Do they intervene and give her supplies? This drives me crazy!

Since Alison is riding the red tide this means that Jonathan FINALLY has to get up off of his ass. NOW he feels good and decides the stupidest smartest thing to do is to dig a well. Is it just me or does digging a well with a hatchet seem like a bad idea? Alison is crying because last month Aunt Flo landed her in the ER. Jonathan is digging and whining about his sunburnt bald-headed baby maker again. He digs a HUGE hole, it takes all day, but no water.

Day 7 – Alison’s cramps are trying to kill her dead. Whinywiener is still digging away at his hole. He is literally scooping dirt out one handful at a time. He FINALLY reaches water and they rejoice for a few seconds until Alison gets a good look at the hole and refuses to drink the muddy “water”. It looks like the consistency of sour milk, but Jonathan chokes some down and says it doesn’t taste too bad. He calls Alison a wuss.

I see diarrhea in Jonathan’s future. Alison’s diss of his water well pisses Jonathan off. He says he and Alison can go their separate ways. He is done with her. Yah, right. Good luck surviving douchecanoe.

Day 8 – BOOM! Jonathan gets diarrhea. It is so bad he claims he can’t walk far and poops right behind the tent. Alison did not know this and steps IN.THE.POOP.

Alison calls a Come to Jesus meeting. She tell Jonathan she knows more about survival and he should start listening to her. The end. He calls her a know-it-all and she calls him condescending. Jonathan starts spouting off about how survival is about bullets and shit and he was a marine and they must just define “survival” differently. Jonathan is a tool.

Day 12 – Jonathan is still a tool. Alison decides it is still better than being alone. Poor Alison. I think she may have the heat crazies.

Day 13 – They are sick of coconuts and decide to go on a protein hunt. Cue the eel swimming in the water. Alison is not sure she is desperate enough for an eel, because in order to catch it they will have to run on razor sharp rocks. Johnny cuts his foot on a rock and since Alison is wearing the mismatched flip-flops, she is forced to man up and chase/chop the nasty eel. She hacks the shit out of the eel while Whinyweiner shouts instructions. It seems like it takes FOREVER for this eel to die. Then Alison cries and apologizes to the eel for killing it and FINALLY Jonathan realizes ALISON IS KEEPING THEM ALIVE. Only took you two weeks dipshit.

Day 17 – Jonathan is frustrated about his injuries and his performance. He is going to prove his worth to Alison by going on a ocean hunt. He uses the hatchet to chop a clam out of the rocks and afterward he man-struts up to the beach holding the clam strategically over his burnt pickle and they share their first naked hug. Then they cook the clam and celebrate being besties.

Day 19 – I don’t think they apologized to the clam for killing it and this angers the island. There is a huge storm coming in and after days of temperatures over 100 degrees, the windchill is suddenly 66 degrees. Jonathan declares it really cold. How does he know? He is bitching and since he “RARELY bitches, it must be REALLY cold.” Has he not heard himself whining about his baby arm being sunburned for the past 19 days?!? Anyway. 70mph winds and their shelter is at risk. The storms continues for days.

Day 20 . They only have one day left. Alison is afraid they won’t be able to swim out to the meet up point because of the storms.

Day 21 – The sun is out and they are happy. They decide to move out before another storm comes in. They walk for awhile and then can see the boat and all they have to do is swim to it! Alison is happy to have had her coming of age experience, she is proud to have come on the adventure. Jonathan is happy he is leaving and that his dingis didn’t burn off.

Survival experts reassess them at the end of the adventure and decided the adventure was too much for Jonathan, but Alison rose to the challenges. Both of their scores raised, Jonathan’s survival rate went up to 7.2 and Alison got an 8.4.

So, they both have what it takes to survive Naked and Afraid, but Jonathan will only survive if Allison is there.