Smart Mouth

So, I’ve been working out. And by “working out” I mean that I’ve been bargaining with myself how much I need to exercise in exchange for what I want to eat for lunch every day.

The struggle is real.

Anyway, today’s exchange rate was pretty high as I had procured some sort of apricot-lemon-sponge cake dessert from the German bakery in town.

AND? I was already sore because of the price I had to pay for yesterday’s gas station lunch. Which was really Powerball’s fault for luring me to the gas station, but I digress.

I decided I would walk on the treadmill today. I like to exercise as far away from human contact as possible. Sidebar: there should be gym etiquette that states that a 2 machine minimum should be kept between people whenever possible. End Sidebar. Now, it’s especially hard to avoid being near people at certain times of day, like right after Body Pump when all the popular kids use the treadmills. Or morning, because that’s when all the senior citizens have a burst of energy and a fierce desire to school me in all things exercisey.

Today, my only option was the first row. That’s where the fancy treadmills are. Obviously, I’ve never operated them before because we ALL know only the people with amazing bodies use the front row.

So, I spend the first 15 minutes trying to figure out how fast I could walk while simultaneously logging into Facebook, creating a Twitter account and watching On Demand videos. The answer is not very fast AT ALL. After nearly hurdling off the end of the treadmill multiple times, I decided to settle on watching HGTV, and start walking fast. Because by this point, I’ve wasted a lot of valuable time pushing all 74 buttons on this damn machine.

Because I am an idiot work hard, I kept trying to walk faster and faster, then I thought, why not jog a little?!? It will be OVER FASTER!!! Of course, I already KNOW why not. Because my RA will hurt like hell tomorrow, that’s why not. But what the hell, I start to jog. Which, by the way, is still slower than the walking 90yr old next to me.

And that’s when it happens.

My left headphone shocks the shit out of my ear.

The first time – that’s weird.

The second time – is this really happening? It’s like… static or something, right?

The third time – WHAT IN THE ACTUAL f*Ck?!?

In between each jolt, I had just enough time to recover enough to think I was possibly imagining it.

The fourth time – JEEEEEESUS.

The fifth time – WHAAAAt? Is God attempting to Cesar Millan me through my earbud??!??

The sixth time – I slow the treadmill down and take out my earbud. I inspect it. Looks fine. So, I do what any LOGICAL person would do, I SMACK it HARD against the treadmill.

That’ll fix it. I put it back in my ear.

The seventh time? It shocks me so hard I break my butt.

I jerked so hard to the left, I pulled a butt muscle. I’m actually pretty proud of myself for not falling down because a CATTLE PROD JUST TOUCHED MY BRAIN.

Summary:
Bad news: I need new headphones.

More bad news: The Google says my butt needs 1-3 weeks to recover

Good news: In 1-3 weeks, the people who watched that whole shit show go down will probably forget what I look like.