|COWS!||Feb 27, ’06 10:16 AM
There were COWS in my yard today! Three big, black, and curious cows! This afternoon CL told me there were three cows outside and they were looking at her, I said, yeah, okay… I assumed that maybe this was like when the microwave was talking to her and picking out her clothes. But, just for the heck of it, I got up to take a look at these gawking cows, and what do you know? There they were. Cute little buggers. They stuck around all afternoon too. Chewing the grass and staring at me. Eventually I got tired of the dogs barking at them, and they looked pretty bored with it too, so I put the dogs away. This made the cows move a little closer to the hosue, but after a while they moved on down the driveway. Shannon passed them on her way out here to pick up Brooke this afternoon. She said I should really call someone because they were standing in the road and had blocked traffic. Not that there is a lot of traffic on my dusty dirt road, but I started thinking, a black cow (no matter how big) is going to be awfully hard to see once it gets dark. So, I called all the neighbors to see if they were missing cows, they weren’t. So, then I called the sheriff’s department, which was closed because by now it was after five, so they forwarded me on to 911. So, yes, you now all know someone who called 911 to report cows in her yard. The sheriff said he would be out, but it is now almost three hours later, so something tells me that lost cows isn’t high on his priority list. So, maybe the cows will stick around for a while. Kasee said that I should just consider myself one step closer to my dream of owning a petting zoo! Good idea! I asked BB if he thought I should take them some hay from CJ’s hay bale target range (for shooting his bow and arrows)??? BB said they have 15 acres of land, if they get hungry they can figure it out. I guess he is right. And I probably shouldn’t encourage them to stick around. When BB and CJ left for boy scouts I told him to be careful not to hit my cows! He gave me a somewhat amused, but mostly annoyed look. He probably tried to shoe them away on his way out the driveway, considering my soft spot for animals and my penchant for keeping anything that wanders onto my property. So, I will have to keep you posted… can’t wait to see if they are still here in the morning!
As for how I have been feeling… This weekend was a test of my patience. I was trying to affix chicken wire to the top of a chain link dog kennel we have. The kennel will be attached to the barn, and Gordy will be able to get into the kennel at night, but not all the way out into his fenced enclosure. (I am hoping if he has to go doo-doo and wee-wee he will go outside to do it. Can you potty train a goat? If you have ever wanted to know the answer to that question, ask me in about three months) We are also trying to keep him safe from things like coyotes, and if we get chickens too, we need a place for the chickens to be safe from owls and hawks. I thought this would be a good job for me, because the wire is not heavy and I had a stool that made me the same height as the kennel, so it wouldn’t be a lot of bending or reaching. Well, after about 20 minutes of cutting little pieces of wire, and then looping them through the chicken wire and twisting them together, my fingers decided to lock in the extended position and refuse to bend. It took a lot of effort to bend them at all, and when they did it was extremely painful. It was more like a jerk with a excruitiating pain that shot down the fingers and into the wrist, more than a bend. So, instead of taking a break I became MORE determined to finish. At the point where I was audibly gasping at the pain and almost in tears, BB told me to STOP. This of course made me EVEN MORE determined to finish, because he had noticed that it was difficult for me and that was embarrassing. At the time I thought, how pathetic, I can’t even finish this. It makes me want to do things even more, because I don’t want BB to realize that I am not helping at all, and that probably in the future I will just be less and less help… To me, it isn’t as simple as just stopping this task, it becomes a battle against the disease as a whole and how it affects everything that I want to do. So, in the end the kids helped me, they cut the wire and brought the pieces to me and I did about ¾ of it on Saturday and then did the rest the next day. In retrospect I know it was unrealistic to assume I would be able to perform a task that required a lot of fine motor movements with my fingers. But, I guess I am still at a point where I cannot yet mentally accept that I am almost completely physically limited in all tasks I attempt, because what can you do where you won’t use a joint? But, that is still really hard to do. How do you accept that you may never be able to do the simplest of things?
I have a friend named Jill, who also has RA. She sent me an e mail last week and asked how the Rituximab was working, mentioning that I am somewhat of her “light at the end of the tunnel”. Her meds aren’t working either, and maybe she will someday get to try Rituximab. And, I so want to be this huge bright blinding light for her, and I feel that I am more like one those little tiny flashlights that you keep on your key chain, and it is as dark as night, and you can hardly tell I am shining at all. Truth is, I don’t feel great. Friday I slept for more hours than I was awake and was almost completely unavailable to the kids, that is how crushing the fatigue was. I am not like one of those RA commercials where I am now running marathons and chasing my dog, I can’t remember the last time I ran and my poor dogs feel pretty lucky if I feed them before noon. Is this as good as it gets? Will I ever feel normal? Will I ever be able to do even 50% of the things that I set out to do, without pain? I would be happy with that. I would be happy for a couple days a week where I wasn’t waking up and pain was my first thought. Could it be worse? Yes, it could and it has been. So, I guess I should just be happy with what I can get?
Oh well. I think I am going to think about the cows again for a while, that was more fun!