Smart Mouth

I lived in Kansas for four years, and there is A LOT of wind in Kansas, what with no trees or hills to slow it down. There were days you couldn’t even stand up straight, days you had to wear sunglasses even if it wasn’t sunny or risk losing your eyes to the sand flying like mini-swords on the wings of the wind, but HEY! If you like to fly kites, Kansas is for you!

In South Carolina, wind? Not so much. Until yesterday.

Yesterday, South Carolina had a Wizard of Oz moment, right here in my back yard. I went to get a hair-cut, and when I came home my yard looked like a fraternity yard after a big weekend kegger.

At first my main concern was the patio, where my chairs were all tipped and the cushions on their way to take a swim in the big pond. The fish in the little pond were totally freaked out, swimming around in a manic frenzy and banging against the sides of the pond. Who can blame them with a chair cushion, a net, and three thousand leaves floating around them and on top of them? They must have thought I mixed some reefer in with the fish flakes.

It took me a half hour to put the patio back as it should be. And, by this time, the wind was NOT blowing at all, so the whole situation was apparently very interesting to the neighbors that drove by during the clean-up. Rubber neck much neighbors?

So, once the patio was righted I went inside and had dinner with the kids. It was a really nice day here, so I had a lot of windows open. After we ate the sun was starting to go down, so I went around closing the windows.

And that is when I saw the dog kennel. From my window. Which doesn’t sound like too big a deal, unless you know that there is no way I should be able to see the 12×15 chain link kennel with a tarp pitched roof from the window because it is supposed to be behind. the. shed.

Holy wind Batman.

But Holy wind Batman is not what I said at the time. In a moment if weakness I actually said, HOLY SHIT! which is my children’s cue to come running in the room. We stood looking out the window in awe for a few moments, and then Cody and I put on our shoes to go return the kennel to it’s rightful place. BB is on a business trip in NC, and we couldn’t just leave it there until BB got home. It is a neccessity to lock the attack Chihuahua in the kennel at night, to keep the neighborhood Baptist Minister’s wife’s legs safe.

I was feeling pretty good yesterday, and Cody is a big kung-fuey 12 year old that spars with adults and can easily break a wood board, so between the karate kid and I it should be pretty easy, right? WE CAN DO IT!!! THIS WILL BE EASY!! Right?

Wrong.

Between where the kennel sat and where it was supposed to be is a HUGE tree and a two foot tall water spigot. The. Only. Way. the kennel could have gotten to where it sat was by flying. 

It took us for-freakin’-ever to get that kennel back. And when I say “us” I mean “me”. Cody mostly flitted around the kennel, occasionally putting his hands on the fence and attempting a sissy-boy lift that was NO. HELP. WHATSOEVER. Mostly he just stood there with his mouth part-way open staring at me in horror.

AND I should mention he started out this great attempt wearing white socks and his Dad’s shoes. His Dad’s slip on shoes. WHICH! DIDN’T! FIT! They were like 24 sizes too big and he kept saying, wait! hold on! when they would slip off. Which was like every. five. seconds.

At first I said, okay! I’ll hold on! Then I said, Hurry UP! and then in the end I said, GET IN THE HOUSE AND CHANGE YOUR DAMN SHOES!!!!!! And, then in his infinite wisdom he came back out in no socks and flip flops. Did I mention we were pulling the kennel through mud and dog shit?

So. We pulled, pushed, dragged, swore and whatnot. We had to lift it over the spigot. (Again, we means me) During which I would spontaneously yell things like, SHIT!! or AAAARRRGH! or Why is metal so HEAVY??? or WHY THE HELL DOES THIS HAPPEN TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?????

Also, I happened to notice that a few neighbors drove by SLOOOOOOOWWLLLLLLY  and one neighbor even walked sloooooooooowwwlllllly out to get his garbage can from the curb. So, yeah. Didn’t make any new friends yesterday. Jerks.

When we FINALLY got it back into position I went into the house and puked. I think my body was so revolted by the level of physical activity that it did the only thing it could to to seek revenge. Regurgitate the yummy cheeseburger and chocolate malt I had for dinner.

Then. For the next 10 minutes, I laid on the couch with one foot on the floor and one curled into a claw hand (because people with RA should NOT. ATTEMPT. SHIT. LIKE. THIS.) pressed to my heart, which is my personal form of heart attack prevention. Then, I went to bed at nine

I am happy to report that I am still alive today! AND, the dog kennel is still where it should be!

Upon review, I have come to the conclusion that South Carolina is trying to kill me. So, if something happens to me people, tell the police it was South Carolina.