Worst Mother of the Year Award

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I made Carsten lunch yesterday and then we settled into the couch to watch one of my favorite animal shows, The Incredible Dr Pol. (Nat Geo Wild)

Carsten – what is this?
Me – it’s Dr Pol!
Carsten – is that the weird old guy?
Me – he isn’t weird! ………. Okay. Maybe stripping down and going bare-chested shoulder deep into a cow’s butt to deliver a calf is a little out of the box…..
Carsten – *blink blink
Me – I saved this episode to watch with you!
Carsten – okay. *eyeroll

We settle in with our vegetarian chicken patties and mac-n-cheese and start the show. The episode starts with a family bringing in a few of their pigs and one little piggy has a problem….

Carsten – OMG. WHAT.IS.HAPPENING?!?
Me – oh! You see, sometimes pigs get a prolapsed anus…. Basically, their butthole pops out.
Carsten – I.can’t.even.
Me – it’s an easy fix! They shove this tube thing in their butt that acts as a poop chute and then they wrap a rubber band around it TIGHTLY and the part that is outside just dies and falls off!
Carsten – *stops eating while I am talking. Why do you EVEN KNOW THIS?
Me – it’s pretty much common knowledge.
Carsten – no.it.isn’t.
Me – oh. Hmm.
Carsten – *gagging
Me – uh-oh. Β you better not watch right now.
Carsten – why not?
Me – this pig has a complication.
Carsten – oh no. WHAT??
Me – the other pigs are eating his prolapsed anus, his rectum to be exact….
Carsten – ARGH!!! stop saying prolapsed anus.
Me – it’s nature!
Carsten – *stares at TV in abject horror. Oh God. Oh GAWWWDDD! Turn it off! Turn it off NOW! I feel sick. I feel super sick.
Me – *turns channel quickly to a show about fashion.
Carsten – I don’t think I can do this.
Me – you don’t like Diane Von Furstenberg? She is a famous designer!
Carsten – not that. This. *points at the squishy macaroni.
Me – because it reminds you of a prolapsed anus?
Carsten – *nods with hand over mouth.
Me – I’m really sorry?
Carsten – stop talking to me.
Me – But…….
Carsten – NOPE
Me – I just……..
Carsten – Phhhhhhfft!
Me – worst mother of the year award?
Carsten – pretty much.

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