Smart Mouth

What in the actual hell happened this weekend?  I don’t remember the last time it was in the 80’s in October in Minnesota, though the weather man said it was in 2011.  I must have been in a coma then and totally missed the ladybug swarm that surely occurred then.  Because when I was frantically googling yesterday, the Google said these bugs swarms are COMPLETELY NORMAL in warm Fall weather.

Dear Google, This is not normal.

I tried to go out on my deck briefly yesterday and instantly became a giant landing pad.  They were landing in my hair and in my ears and a few brave ladies even parachuted down into my bra.  What???  Don’t I smell like danger?  I had a moment of temporary insanity and took a fly swatter outside and tried to swat to death all 37,430 bugs on my deck.  It was exhausting.

Meanwhile, a few hundred of them gained entry to my house and for about an hour I tried catch and release.  Until I realized that when I was releasing them they were either u-turning and coming right back in the house or they were taking the opportunity to shout to their friends, “Dude!!  Party in here!!  Theres a vaulted ceiling maaaaannnn!  She has to stand on two chairs and a plastic stool to reach us with the vacuum!  She fell once, it was HILARIOUS!”

So, I locked the house up like Fort Knox and prepared to become a shut in.  Except Ladybugs are EXCELLENT at B and E’s.  I looked up once and there were about 15 of them on the ceiling above my head.  I decided to breathe through my nose for the next month.  I had to leave my vacuum out for the ENTIRE DAY and I would turn it on approximately every 13 minutes to suck more of them up.  It goes against nature to not wind up the vacuum cord and put it away.  It was a long day.

When is it going to snow?  Also, where do these little bastards go when it does get cold?  Do they die?  Please tell me they die. Because if they crawl inside my roof and hunker down for a long winter’s nap, laying in wait to attack me again in Spring…. well, then I am going to be forced to move somewhere there are no ladybugs.

I am off to google ladybugs again.

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Dear GAWD.  Have you ever googled Ladybugs????

They like to winter in your house, where they spend the entire cold season living off their own body fat.  Ladybugs release a small amount of their blood which is yellow and smells, when they sense danger.  So, for goodness sake, don’t STARTLE them or they will BLEED ALL OVER YOUR HOUSE.   They PROBABLY bleed from their eyes, creepy little monsters….

There is really no way to get rid of them other than to vacuum them up or get a tree frog.

I am off to buy some tree frogs.