Smart Mouth

I have a certain personality quirk.

If I were being politically correct I would say that I have “maintained a certain level of childhood wonder” in my personality. 

But, politically correct is boring, right?  So let’s be honest with each other. 

You know how kids stare at people even when they know they aren’t supposed to?  And how no matter how hard you try to distract them or get them to look at something else, it is impossible to get them to stop staring at whatever they are staring at???

Yeah.  I do that.

So, here is my problem (well actually two problems).  There are two things about a person’s face that can potentially freak me out.

Cavernous nostrils and lady mustaches.

If you have cavernous nostrils or a lady mustache I will stare it like the world has stopped turning.  I will not be able to turn away.  I will lose my ability to speak.  My gaze will freeze upon your freakishly large nostril/lady mustache.  I will be unreasonably afraid that something is about to be sucked into the vortex of your nostril inhalation, or that there are objects/living organisms trapped in your lady mustache.  <<<<<Stand back children, we don’t want to lose you to the nostril cave/mustache forest.>>>>> 

Horrible.  I know.

(Apologies to all my readers that have freakishly large nostrils or lady mustaches.  I am sure they are great.  I am sure the nostrils help you breathe and the mustache… ah… keeps you very warm.) 

There is nothing wrong with ginormous nostrils.  I know that people are born that way, and so I try my damnest to not freak out when I see one.   (One nose – two nostrils that is.  Not just one nostril, because wouldn’t that be weird???  If you had one HUGE nostril and one normal size??   But I am getting off track…)

But a mustache people?  There are solutions for that.  Have you heard of Nair?  Waxing?  Laser removal?  A BIC shaver?  Oy vey.  Do something about it ladies!!!

Take the three (YES! THREE!) check out ladies at the Dollar General in my neighborhood for example.  The first lady was enough all by herself, you could have shaved her lip and made a tiny coat.  Then the second lady rounded the corner to bag my purchases and dear lord.  Her mustache was so thick it almost looked wavey.    But, then, a third lady came to open the other check-out, and her mustache could make men jealous! I know that Dollar General doesn’t staff the most stellar of the human race (my apologies to all my readers that are dollar general clerks!!  Dollar General is GREAT!) but, come on!  Is it a requirement to be sporting a mustache that is thicker than that of an average man?  Don’t they see the mustache on their co-worker’s faces and go home and inspect their own face?  Do you think they talk about their mustaches while they are on their lunch breaks?  Don’t they stock Nair or razors and think, hmmm, wonder what these are used for???

Those are the things I am thinking while the mustached clerks are asking me: Did you find everything all right?  Credit or Debit?  Would you like a whosatch in your whatbanger?  Can you spare a dopelgnalar for the children in our neighborhood that are flibenfilding?  What?!? Sorry.  I can’t concentrate on what you are saying because I can’t stop staring at your mustache lady!

I had a friend with a mustache once.  She knows who she is.  We aren’t friends anymore,(NO.  Not because of her mustache) but there is a possibility that she still reads this blog.  ((and if you are reading this mustached ex-friend ~ hey!  how’s the mustache?))  We went to the same hairdresser, where I (faithfully) get my mustache and eyebrows waxed.  You see I am pro-active.  I remove the hair so that the other doorknobs out there (like me) don’t have anything to stare at.  So, back to my friend.  She had a ‘stache.  The hairdresser and I eventually convinced friend that it would be in friend’s best interest to have the hairy caterpillar removed from friend’s upper lip.  So, friend did.  Weeks and weeks later the hairy beast grew back in on her upper lip, and I was horrified!  Friend had seen herself without the mustache, how could she possibily let it grow back?????  I casually mentioned lip waxing in a conversation.  (which is NO easy task people!)  That is when she told me that she had decided to not have her lip waxed again, that she felt more comfortable with the hairy lip because, and I quote, “The hair hid things.” 

WTF?

What things?  A can of diet coke?  A set of encyclopedias?  Your stamp collection?  A small mammal? 

So, let me take this opportunity to tell her (and all the other mustached ladies out there) something:

Mustaches are for MEN, not women.  Never.  Not under any circuimstances.  Whatever you are hiding under there, cannot be as bad as THE MUSTACHE.

Thank-you.  I feel better now.

Disclaimer:  The preceding view was that of the author and the author alone.  The view expressed is not neccessarily the views of said author’s family, friends, neighbors or OBVIOUSLY the  mustached ladies and large nostriled population of South Carolina.