Kindergarten Cassanova

 
Today I was a chaperone for my daughter’s school.  We went to a park for a picnic lunch and then on to a pumpkin patch/apple orchard. I haven’t had much experience being a chaperone.  I chaperoned a few times when CJ was in Kindergarten, but that was five years ago.  So, this is the first time in a long time I have spent the whole day in the company of five year olds.

I don’t remember any of CJ’s field trips being attended by these types of kids.

These children must have had sugar cubes and crack for breakfast.  I was ready to go back home before the teacher called attendance.  But after a brief delay when the teacher answered five hundred questions like, “What time is lunch?”, “What do we do if we see a monkey?”, and “Is there a letter Q in pumpkin?”, we were on our way.

Once we got on the bus I realized that the kids in CL’s class weren’t that bad, because there was this other kid.  And he was on a completely different level. 

He was in the other class of kindergarteners that went with us.  KC (Kindergarten Casanova) was seated across the aisle from me.  The bus is on it’s way and after about five minutes of staring at me without blinking I turned to KC and said,

“Hi.” 

He said, (and I kid you NOT) “I loooove you.” 

I said, “Oh.  Okay.” and averted my eyes.  Oh! It was kind of embarassing, but how sweet!  I am sure if I was a teacher I would get this type of thing all the time, but since I am not a teacher, this is a first for me!  A precocious little boy with a harmless crush! 

About thirty seconds after that innocent thought I felt something warm and sweaty touch me; I look down and see that KC is trying to hold my hand.  So, I try to remain calm and yank it back without giving him whiplash, and I decide that this isn’t so innocent after all, in fact it is pretty annoying. 

But, KC would not be deterred.  For the rest of the (forty minute!!!!!!) bus ride he stared at me, tried to hold my hand, tried to touch my knee and at one point was even making kissy noises at me.  Nothing I did seemed to discourage him.  I tried asking nice.  I tried being short with him.  I tried ignoring him.  I tried to distract him.  I tried asking him why he loved me and tried convincing him that he really shouldn’t love me, he didn’t even know me.  Believe me people, short of slapping him, I tried EVERYTHING.

So.  Then we are there, we eat, they play, we pet the goats, visit the deer, take a tractor tour of the apple orchard, have some ice cream and pick out a pumpkin.  Thankfully, we are separated from KC’s class the entire day (but a couple of times during the day I did catch him staring at me like a stalker).

As the time to get on the bus draws near I was getting anxious.  I took some deep breaths (in through my nose and out my mouth) and tried to convince myself to look calm. 

It was going to be all right.  I am the adult.  I can handle it. 

Or we could just get a different seat and avoid KC.  

Then I hear the teacher call the kids to line up and she says, “Now, kids, do we all remember where we were sitting on the bus???  We are going to get back on the bus and sit in our same seats, okay????

No.  Not okay.

Maybe my daughter will forget, and we can avoid KC. 

But, oh damnit!  She walks straight for the seat across from KC (who is already giving me his best lurker eye contact again- already) and sits down in our same seat.  I am walking right behind her and as I turn to sit down in the seat KC reaches up and……slaps me on the butt.  On the butt, people.

And that is when I snap.

I bent down and in my best quiet-enough-that-a-kindergarten-casanova-can-hear-me-but-the-adults-can’t-hear-me-devil-voice I say, “You. WILL. NOT.touch. me.  You. WILL. NOT. look. at. me.  Or SO HELP ME I will take your pumpkin and throw it out the window.”

He turned and looked straight ahead.  He looked like he was going to cry.  And for a second I thought, oh man.  Should I have done that??? 

But, you know what??? 

The rest of the bus ride back to school was just great.  Kindergarten Casanova never looked at me again.  And sure, maybe he will go home and tell his parents that some mean lady threatened to throw his pumpkin out the window and sure, maybe I’ll be banned from ever chaperoning again. 

But, it was worth it.

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