Smart Mouth

Remember a few months ago when I came home from the salon with Asian Eyebrows? I should have just stopped frequenting nail salons then.

Unfortunately, my desire for pretty nails negates any traumatic memories I have. So, yesterday I decided to try out a new salon, you know because I can’t go back to the one where I alienated the ladies by forgetting to tip, or to the place where I can’t say no to the lady who wants to give me whisker thin asian eyebrows.

SO.

I walk in and there are two people working there, a asian man and an asian woman.

Mey I halp you? the lady says.

I would like to have a manicure, I say.

The man gets up and motions for me to follow him to the back of the store, where he promptly starts filling a pedicure tub. I start fretting, is this some weird place where they do manicures in the pedicure tub? Where will I sit? The FLOOR? But, then I decide I don’t want a repeat occurrence like the eyebrows where I don’t want to say anything and risk hurting feelings, so I say, A manicure? I wanted a manicure?

OH! All right! Why not you say so? he says to me.

Um. M-kay.

So, he moves me beside the lady, who is talking on a cordless phone and putting VERY long nails onto a lady’s hands. So, I sit. And I wait.

Within a few minutes the asian lady moves over to my table and starts working on my hands. Oh, she isn’t done with the other lady, now she is doing her nails AND my nails AND still talking on the phone.

Ever listened to someone speak Vietnamese for a long time? There is no distinguishing between words, it is one LONG keening phrase, akin to the noise a cat makes when you step on it’s tail. At first it makes you flinch a little, it is a high frequency that ears aren’t used to hearing. But, after a while it has a sort of lulling affect on you. Or me I guess I should say. Something new for me! Vietnamese puts me into a trance!

But, before you start thinking I was lulled into a restful, peaceful trance, let me remind you that I have ocd tendencies. I should buy stock in Purel. I cover seats in restaurants with napkins, I open restroom doors with my foot, if you give me a friendly hug or kiss I can’t help but wonder if you have washed your hands no matter HOW MUCH I LIKE YOU! So, no matter how skillful her manicure skills and no matter how lulled into a trance like state by vietnemese I am, my senses are still on high alert.

Also, I was a little distracted by the fact that she kept getting up to stir the chicken.

And yell to the asian guy across the room.

Yeah, that’s right folks, besides filing, buffing, paraffin wax dipping, cuticle trimming and painting MY nails AND the other ladies nails AND talking on the cordless phone, AND indiscriminately yelling to asian guy across the room, she was also COOKING CHICKEN. All with NO HAND WASHING in between. And I don’t know what disturbs me more, her chicken germs on my nails, or my nail germs in her chicken.

But, it gets better.

Because next, ANOTHER phone starts ringing. From her shirt! FROM HER SHIRT PEOPLE!!! So, she pauses from nail do-ery and chicken cook-ery to pull a cell phone from her bra and she clips it to her v-neck shirt and commences cordless phone talking, lady nail doing, my nail doing, asian guy yelling, chicken cooking and CELL PHONE TALKING.

Finally, after seventeen years, she hangs up both phones.

Turns out she was talking to her family in Vietnam. Her brother (who she has been supporting with her nail money) won the lottery. And, wait! Who knew Vietnam had a lottery! But, I digress. She told brother to buy some land. Apparently land prices are skyrocketing in Vietnam (There’s your financial tip for the day. If you have extra money laying around, buy land in Vietnam! But LOW, sell HIGH! Who knew! Your welcome.) But do you think he listened to her? NO! Instead he spent all his money on his girlfriend and her kids!!! That’s right people, they’re not even HIS kids! And now he is living with his brother-in-law’s mother (DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO FIGURE OUT THAT RELATIONSHIP – brother-in-law’s mother? Because did I mention she speaks only broken English??????) and he is broke and bil’s mother is about to kick him out. And, AL’s (asian lady’s) mom wants her to keep helping brother, but AL is SO over him and wants to cut him off and ALSO AL is already supporting her mommy AND her daddy AND her grand-mommy AND her grand-daddy AND her great-great-grand-mommy (her words, not mine). Which she reminds me, “we” American’s don’t do. Support our whole extended family from money we make by doing nails? Nope. We don’t do that, because WE CAN’T! I am pretty sure if it was possible for us to support our extended families with that much money everyone I know would OWN A NAIL SALON. Even MY DAD would know how to do a french manicure! Again, I digress.

AND THEN, her brother calls (on the cleavage cell phone) and she puts him on speaker and they are SCREAMING at each other in Vietnamese. Which, by now, lulling?

NOT. SO. MUCH.

Especially considering that occasionally the asian guy JOINS the argument by screaming things. From. across. the. room. And, I don’t speak Vietnamese, but I am pretty sure he was screaming obscenities.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the manicure is OVER.

Thank you sweet baby Jesus.

I felt like I needed a NAP.

But, GUESS WHAT?

The manicure was only ten dollars!!!!!!!!

TEN DOLLARS PEOPLE!!!!!

And, I really want to go back!!!!

Because the 45 minutes sucked circus monkeys, but it was ONLY TEN DOLLARS!

 

The End.