Smart Mouth

Let’s review the past few days, shall we?

Perhaps we should hit upon some key points in the pursuit of Mommy’s happiness, because If Momma ain’t happy? Ain’t NOBODY happy!

1. If you feel nauseous and there is a puke receptacle next to your bed and also a toilet with the seat open, ready to be a back-up puke receptacle, DO NOT PUKE ON THE FLOOR.

2. When I ask for a donut, bring me a donut.

3. Do not call me before sunrise to ask me to bring your Band of Brothers dvd into town.

4. Do not wake me up at the ass crack of dawn to make you a waffle. Especially, if you just heard me fall back asleep after muttering obscenities about Band of Brothers dvd’s.

5. If I am woken up at ridiculous thirty to make your sister a waffle, and I am standing in the kitchen squinting at the daylight and trying to pry my underwear out of my coin slot I DO NOT want to have a 30 minute discussion about how many patrons can ride the super roller coaster on your roller coaster computer game.

6. I also don’t want to answer questions like, were you awake? and how old was I when I was a baby? or what month will my baby be born when I am married? before NOON. At least.

7. Do NOT ask me what is for lunch ten minutes after you ate breakfast.

8. Do NOT ask me to pick out your clothes while I am IN. THE. SHOWER.

9. Do NOT remain totally silent while I walk around the house for an hour doing laundry, dishes and feeding pets and then ask me ELEVENTY-EIGHT questions in rapid fire succession as soon as I sit down to watch something on TV.

10. Do not walk around in the mud outside, delighted with the level of clay accumulation you have been able to build up on the bottom of your shoes and then leave said shoes at the end of a trail of foot prints inside. my. freakin. house.

11. If I have been up half the night with your cold or my cold and I happen to be trying to sneak in a 10 minute nap on the couch, DO NOT wake me up to tell me that you named a computer character Oldor OR you are about to draw a picture of a goat. It may feel like a state of emergency, but it isn’t. Oldor and the goat art will still exist in 10 minutes. Really. I promise.

12. Also? I have a meeting with a contractor this morning. During our hydromulching discussion, it is NOT a good time to interrupt me to tell me that you smell skunk, you just dug some gunk the size of TX out of your eye, or that you found my underwear in your wash basket. It may feel like the right time, but trust me, it ISN’T.

OKAY! I feel better now!

Over and out,

Mom

PS Also? Since today is just ONE day off of school, you might want to keep this list around for Spring Break. If you want to live, that is.