Smart Mouth

Disclaimer: Seriously people. If you missed the blog title I will say it again, if you are related to me, do NOT, I repeat NOT!, read this entry. Also, if we are not related, but you have met my parents, and there is a chance you may have to look them in the eye again in your lifetime, I am talking to you too. Move on! Come back tomorrow! There will be a new blog, perhaps even G rated, for you to read then!

I’ll wait just a second for everyone who needs to leave, to LEAVE! Bu-BYE! Go! Scat!

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Okay? Are we safe now? (Seriously relatives, leave now, if you haven’t already!)

So, here is what happened to me this morning. And just so you know I think I may be emotionally scarred for life.

I called my parent’s house this morning, BB is staying with them while he is in town for business. I called early, hoping to catch him before he left for work. The kids wanted to say hello, and tell him a few things, and his cell phone was going straight to voicemail. So, when it rang a few times and no one picked up, I should have just hung up, but I didn’t. Then, my very groggy sounding mother answered, and the following conversation took place:

Me ~ Oh no! Did I wake you up?

Mom ~ mmmruhmph….. yes.

Me ~ I’m sorry! I’ll let you go back to sleep!

Mom ~ No. It’s okay. I am awake now, I won’t be able to go back to sleep.

So, we have a 10-15 minute conversation. Then………

Mom ~ Oh! I have to go!

Me ~ Why?

Mom ~ Your Dad is coming back to bed.

Me ~ ooooo-kay. He is going to go back to sleep?

Mom ~ (giggle-giggle-snort-giggle) Uuuuh. No.

Me ~ Huh? Then why is he coming back to bed?

Mom ~ (giggle-giggle-snort-giggle) Well….

Me ~ Wha? Then what does he…………

(then I hear my Dad in the background mumble something that sounds vaguely like, ha-ha-ha-HOOOO.)

Me ~ OH MY EFFIN’ GOD. You aren’t saying WHAT I think you are saying???? OH MY GOD. OH MY EFFIN’GOD!?!?!? Are you? OH MY GOD. For the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SWEET AND HOLY!!!! Tell me I AM WROOOOOOOONG.

Mom ~ (giggle-giggle-snort-giggle)

Me ~ OH noooo. I think I am going to be sick.

Mom ~ (hahahahahahahaha giggle-giggle-snort)

Me ~ MOM! I am hanging up.

And then I hung up and threw my phone across the car, like I just realized it had shit smeared all over it. And then I nearly crashed the car. And THEN, I threw up in my mouth a little. And then laughed until my stomach hurt.

OH? And? Did I mention my Dad is……..

70?

70 EFFIN’ YEARS OLD?????

 

When I called my sister, Julie. When I got to the part of the story where I was about to say OH MY EFFIN’ GOD, my sister started saying things like, “Oh NO! STOP!QUIT FUCKING TALKING! WHY WHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?????STOP! I HATE YOU!” Which, I have to admit, kinda made the whole horrifying situation worthwhile in the end.

But, Oh. God. It is hours later, and I am still going back and forth between total horror and stomach cramping laughter.