The Electric Fence Story

In 2004 we moved to the country to a log home on 20 acres in Kansas. I’ve always been the type of person that has LOTS of animals… and so, it wasn’t long before I got some ducks, chickens and a few more dogs. Then in 2005, we got a goat. He was an interesting little fellow that I named Gordy. He loved people A LOT. So much so, that every time we left him in his little corral, he would jump for HOURS trying to get out. Once he got out, he would stand on the porch; look in the door and baaaaaaaa at me. The dogs would notice him and give chase; Gordy would scamper up the woodpile, the porch railing, trees etc… I would end up chasing him or the dogs, whoever was closer actually, and eventually exhausted and sweaty I would catch Gordy and carry him back to his corral. We repeated that scenario a ba-jillion times, until I decided we NEEDED an electric fence.

So, we spent a weekend putting up the electric fence. It took FOREVER. Finally, by late evening, it was up, and it seemed to be working. But by the next afternoon, Gordy was back on the porch staring in the door at me AGAIN. The first time I thought it was a fluke, but after several times I decided to hide and watch how he was doing it. He would jump straight up, hook a hoof on the gate fence post and catapult himself over the fence. Not even coming CLOSE to the wire. UGH.

So, then we installed two wires. That didn’t work either. Within a few hours he was BACK on the porch yet again. So, then my Dad and I built this ELABORATE dual fence entry way to keep Gordy away from the gate fence post he was using as his catapult.

That didn’t work either. Sometimes he would shock himself and not even FLINCH. I was like, WTF GOAT? Do you have super powers?

So, then? I read the electric fence box and realized that I had bought an electric fence designed for dogs or cattle. That made my Dad laugh really hard, because he grew up on a farm and couldn’t believe that I didn’t specifically look for an electric fence designed for goats. It seems like a goat would fall in-between the dog and cattle parameters, but ummmmm, no. Apparently goats are built to withstand freakish amounts of pain, plus they are VERY stubborn, so you need a sort of super-charged electric fence. SOOOOOO, I go back to the store and bought that version, the Super Stubborn-Ass Goat Electric Fencing Unit. I brought it home and we switched it out….

Then we stand there for a loooooooooooooong time, waiting for Gordy to approach the fence. Of course, because I WANT him to attempt to jump the fence, he just stands there chewing grass and staring at us.

So, we leave. But he still doesn’t jump the fence. He chews more grass, a few leaves, chases a few chickens and at one point I seriously think I hear him laughing at us. Eleventy-seven hours later, we think we MAYBE see him touch the fence, but he doesn’t look like an electric charge is flowing thru his body and making him weep. ARGH! I start making comments about the goat using the electric wire to floss his teeth, because WTF? So, my Dad says we need to go in and “check to see if it is working.”

Now, right here is where I SHOULD have been suspicious, because my Dad is the type of guy that likes to mess with people. He used to drive us down to the lake and park on the boat ramp, then ease up off the brake just a little and say, OH! WE ARE GOING IN THE WATER! GAAAAAAAAH! OOOOOOOOOOOOH NO, HOPE YOU CAN SWIM!!! until I was hysterical. Then once I calmed down, he would laugh until he couldn’t catch his breath.

So, anyhooooo… he goes into the barn and messes with some stuff and then comes back out and says, come look at this. So, I go in the barn, and he says, you hear that clicking noise? Every time it clicks the fence is shocking, so if you are touching it when it clicks, it should shock you. Then he goes outside and walks towards the fence, arms out-stretched, while I am screaming, Noooooooooo! Daaaaaaaaaad! Dooooooooon’t!!! He grabs the fence, I close my eyes and I hear it click. I open my eyes and he is still standing there, holding the fence with a BIG shitty grin on his face as it clicks again, and it does NOTHING to him.

WTF? Him AND the goat?

Come try it he says, it isn’t working… so I walk over, but then have a moment of clarity and say, nooooooo. I am NOT trying it. He touches it AGAIN, and it clicks and NOTHING. So, I reach out, grab the fence, it clicks and about knocks me on my ass. I literally CANNOT form words for a minute, and I feel like I could possibly pee lightening, and he is standing there, stone-faced, looking at me and saying, hmmmmm, that is WEIRD!

Weird?!?!! Screw you Dad!

So, he goes back into the barn, and touches two points on the charger thingey, as he is saying, now, if it is working at ALL, it should shock me here. It clicks…. several times…. and he just stands there. He says…. Go out and try the fence again. I say, Ummmmmmm. NO. He says…. Melisa. Trust me, it isn’t working, last time was just a fluke, you shouldn’t have gotten shocked, are you SURE you got shocked? I say, HELLO?!?! DID YOU SEE ME?!?! Okay, he says, well, this time I really think it isn’t working, try it again. So, like a dumbass, I do, but what I DON’T know is right then, he disconnects something in the barn so it doesn’t shock me, so now I hold the fence and don’t get shocked and now I am all trusting and innocent like a little baby lamb. So, I go back in the barn and he fiddles with the wires again, and he says I think I fixed now, but don’t touch it, I will try it first. So, he puts his two fingers on the knobby things and N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Then he looks all puzzled again, and he says, you try it.

So, I do, because I am stupid like that.

And this time it shocks me so freakin’ hard, that I get knocked back against the wall of the barn. And it makes my Dad laugh SO HARD, that I thought I was about to witness a grown man pee his pants. Turns out, his fingers are so calloused it doesn’t hurt when it shocks him, he can FEEL that it is doing something, but it feels more like “being tickled”. Yeah. What I felt was like being tickled with knives and throwing stars.

He could NOT even talk about it for WEEKS. If he even THOUGHT about it, he would start laughing so hard he would be wheezing. Seriously, I would call my Mom and hear him in the background say, who is it? My mom would say my name and the mere MENTION of my name made him start wheezy laughing.

So, if you ever meet my Dad and there is an electric fence in the vicinity? Do not believe a word he says.