Smart Mouth

The year was 1983! I was eight! Remember the 80’s? Autobots!!! Transform and rollout!!! Big Bucks, Big Bucks, No whammies, STOP! Feel The Power of The ultimate Warriorrrrrrrr! (WWF) Gah! I loved the 80’s!

Anyhoooo, I was gifted a diary on my eight birthday, and holy smurfs was I a weird kid! Did I really talk like this???? And also? I was kinda BOY CRAZY!!!

Here are a few entries! My thoughts are in blue.

Feb 20, 1983 ~ Dear diary today is my birthday! It is the happiest day of my life! It’s when I got this diary! AND the first time I get to wear nylons! (WTH? Nylons?)

Feb 21, 1983 ~ I got a card from Grandma and mom took it and did what she wanted with it. (stealing a child’s birthday money? for shame mother! FOR SHAME!) I put a candy heart in Christopher’s desk and he knows!

Feb 22, 1983 ~ A new boy named Mike came to school! I like him! and Jeff! and Chris!

Feb 23, 1983 ~ My mom and dad got mad at me for not helping my sister. What a bummer. (was this the time I purposely put my sister’s pants on backwards because I didn’t appreciate having to dress her? Sorry Cara! I love you!)

March 24, 1983 ~ Today when we played kickball I was on Mike’s team! We won 17 to 0! We CREAMED THEM!!!! (creamed them? CREAMED? oh lordy.)

Dec 24, 1983 ~ CHRISTMAS EVE!!! I have fallen in love with Jeff! I don’t know why, BUT I LOVE HIM! (oooooookay. I don’t even REMEMBER who this Jeff character was!)

Jan 26, 1984 ~ My hair is in braids almost every day! I like it this way and SO DOES JEFF! (OMG. CL just asked me to braid her hair this morning! AND I DID! AHHH! OH NO!)

Jan 28, 1984 ~ I got a TV IN MY ROOM! I am watching HEE-HAW!!! (Hee-haw? You have GOT to be kidding me! WTH? I liked hee-haw????? Is THAT why I ended up living in South Carolina???)

March 17, 1984 ~ I noticed that Mike has started to like me. He knows I know he likes me. I like him. I do not know why but he likes me. Jeff still teases me. We don’t have a close relationship. We’re just very VERY close friends. In a word, pals. (pals? PALS? holy sassafrass I was a dork!!!!)

March 18, 1984 ~ I am starting to like John. He is doing the siding on our house.(OMG. I was crushing on a construction worker? WHEN? I? WAS? NINE?????)He only has one day left for siding. I wish it could last forever. (Holy Hellfire. Was I outside TALKING to this man??? Did I like the way he hammered??? W.T.H. people?!?!?!)

April 10, 1984 ~ I cut this smurf out of a dixie cup to remind me of Jeff! I really do like him! He’s a doll, that JEFF!! (okay. wait. ummmmmm, a smurf reminded me of this kid? A FRICKIN’ SMURF? Was he short and blue? WTH?)

August 7, 1984 ~ I got a training bra! It itches! (I got a training bra at NINE? REALLY? wow. okay. just…. wow. three years from now I will be buying a training bra for CL????? I think I need to go lay down. or drink some vodka. or both.)

October 7, 1984 ~ I started at a new school! I like this boy named Jeff, and Aaron and the old Jeff too! OH BOY! I must be CRAZY! (ahh, yeah. I was definitely crazy, and not in a good way.)

October 12, 1984 ~ Today at school I bent over to tie my shoe and Aaron leap frogged ME!!! OOoo-LA-LA! (OOoo-la-freakin-la??? what the hell was the kid doing leap frogging me? do I need to go to CL’s school and follow her around ready to trip whatever freakin’ kid that thinks he can leap frog MY BABY???? OMG. I may never sleep again. I will be lying awake figuring out ways to stop these leap frogging boys without getting arrested.)

April 27, 1985 ~ Now I am stuck. Brady or Aaron. WHICH ONE DO I CHOOSE?????

September 29, 1985 ~ I broke up with Aaron for Chad!!! For a while I was going out with BOTH OF THEM!!!!! (O. M. G. I was a ten year old TWO-TIMER???? WTH????)

November 1st, 1985 ~ I got my report card! TWO D’s! oh my GOD! My mom says I have to wear a dress to school every week until my grades improve. (OMG. Start doing your homework and stop trying to date! You are TEN! YEARS! OLD! PS – Yay MOM! Love the ingenious punishment!)

May 14th, 1986 ~ We took a survey in school to see who was the prettiest! I WAS FIRST!!!! (okay? was it a survey of one? Did I just ask myself? WTH?) My grades have improved and I am sure I will pass to 7th, but I don’t want to go to 7th! I want to stay here FOREVER! (Apparently it hadn’t occurred to me yet that there would be even MORE boys to choose from in seventh grade. Oy vey. The diary stopped after this. I guess I was so BUSY in junior high, I had no more time to record my love life for posterity. Thank God. I don’t think my 32 year old heart could take anymore information.)

Wow. I just found the whole diary VERY DISTURBING! And also? I have decided INEED to install locks on all of CL’s door and windows! And? I need to get her a diary. Soon. And read it everyday! Holy crap. WHAT WILL I DO IF SHE ACTS LIKE ME?????? GAH! Are there any all girls boarding schools in SC? AND? Can you still buy a chastity belt? I bet ebay has one! If you need me I will be at ebay! Buying chastity belts and pepper spray, and stun guns, turtlenecks, etc….. Toodles!