Smart Mouth

It is Day 5 of my 8 day stint as a single mom and the chilluns are about to kill me dead.  OK.  That isn’t fair.  Carsten is trying to kill me dead, Cody is not.  Her birthday is a few days away and it is the ONLY thing she wants to talk about.  Which I can relate to, I luv my birthday too, but GEEZUS IN A PITA POCKET I can’t take it anymore.  I didn’t even know it was possible for a human to talk this much. 

OH and ALSO?  Did I mention that she speaks southern now?  The other day she told me she was going to get something “RIGHT QUICK!”  I almost passed out, but then the moment passed and I calmly and rationally made her say YA, YOU BETCHA! and DONTCHA KNOW? ten times each.  Must. make. her. northern.  Anyway… Cody thinks it is HEE-LAR-IOUS to say it too.  Let me get my homework, RIGHT QUICK.  I am gonna go feed the dogs, RIGHT QUICK.  Monday night I threw a shoe at his head… and he hasn’t said it much since then.  I have good aim.  Mwahahahahaha!

Sooooo, today I went shopping!  I got some new jeans!  Guess jeans!  The saleslady and I had a little moment together… reminiscing about being 13 and be willing to sell our soul for a pair of Guess jeans.  But you know what?  This was even better than when I was a teen, because I picked out a size I was sure I would have to squeeze into and they were too big.  Thankyoubabyjesus.  I wanted to do a cartwheel through the mall.

Carsten has some wrapped presents sitting on the dining room table that she has been staring at and patiently anticipating opening, and she is really a good girl, she doesn’t even touch them.  But if a present comes in the mail, I let her open it.  Today she got a box from Michelle!  She was SOOOO excited!  She pledged her love for Michelle, before she even saw what it was!  Then, when she DID see what it was, she made me immediately text Michelle a message that went something like “I LOVE YOU A LOT!  Thank YOU!  I LOVE you and Kevin!  Thank you SO much!”  haha.  I am thinking she might love Michelle and maybe she like her present.

Anyway, Michelle got her a digital camera.  A PINK! digital! camera!  I must thank Michelle too.  The magical pink camera gave me a WHOLE hour of silence.  She was outside taking pictures, here are a few of them….

Tomorrow is my appointment with Dr. Assmunch.  Today I was at the Outpatient Clinic getting blood drawn.  It took bloodtakerlady three pokes, cuz my veins were collapsing and rolling.  Good times!  But, she made it up to me by making me show her my ID to prove I wasn’t 18 or 19.  What blood draw?!?!  I love that lady!  haha.  Anyhoodle… tomorrow, uhm…. yeah.  Not looking forward to it.  At all.  Not even a little.  I just want my effin infusion.  I was supposed to get it in January.

Don’t take this the wrong way Internets… but I attract crazy people.  Seriously.  I think that in my life there has been an abnormal ratio of crazy people.  I no likey crazy people.

Is there a 12 step program for Reality Show addiction?  I am getting concerned.  Like….. REALLY concerned.  I can’t even count on both hands the amount of shows I dvr and watch.  I would need six hands.  YES.  SIX.  Ohhh LooooooW.  Hi!  My name is Mel, and reality tv shows are my porn.

Well, I would love to stay and chat… but I have some shows to catch up on.  And also?  Carsten has a friend over and they are screaming all dog whistle-ish.  That probably means they are being naughty. 

Oh, also, if you happen to see an anchorperson break into your regularly scheduled program tomorrow at around 10am?  And the reporter is coming to you live from South Carolina?  Stay by your phone.  I may need bail money.

ONE MORE THING!  Michelle and I are having a virtual happy hour tonight!  Me cuzin I have to see assmunch tomorrow, her cuzin she had Feild Day at school today!  Come join us!