1. He sleeps all day and wants to go out all night. EVERY NIGHT.
2. When he sleeps, it is in a chair, not a bed and preferably the chair is in a mancave. (or a man-childcave, aka Cody’s room)
3. If you let him sit next to you, he drools on your shirt. Or your pants. Or your sock…. basically, whatever you are wearing.
4. If you try to move him, it is impossible, because he lets his WHOLE body go slack. Think: dead body.
5. He can’t remember which house in the neighborhood is his, and tries to enter ANY house that looks even remotely like his house. You and your neighbors have awkward conversations about his breaking and entering, with forced laughter and long silences.
6. He gets REALLLLLLLLY hungry at the end of the night, runs out to the drive thru (the woods) to pick up some snacks (mice) and then leaves all his half eaten food on your front lawn. Occasionally throwing some up on your doormat, or later in the day… your carpet.
7. Everyone is his VERY. BEST. FRIEND. and when he sees a person, ANY person, he goes running to them and flings himself into their lap/arms/car and declares his drooley love. As in, “I LOOOOOOOVE you, man! I realllllllllllllllllly do!!!” *PLOP (big drop o’drool on your shirt.)
8. He pees in your neighbor’s lawn in broad daylight.
9. He sleeps on your neighbor’s patio and the roof of your neighbor’s car, and when you discretely TRY to quietly call to him to come home, a la: “Getttttttt ooooover here!!!! Please!!!” pause, pause, pause “Please????” And he just stares at you until he falls asleep.
10. Your neighbor finds your cat in his garage, sleeping in his boat.