Dear Neighbor

Dear Soon to be Neighbor, Dec 5, ’07 2:17 PM
for Mel ‘s contacts

You are annoying me, and you don’t even live here yet.

First?  It annoys the bejeezus out of me when you are nice to the wandering neighborhood dog.  Sure, I like dogs too.  But not dogs like HIM.  I tried to politely ask you NOT to be so welcoming to his annoying bad dog self, but almost every day I see you talking baby talk to him and feeding him.  Every day when you finish working on your house and go back to your rented house?  Annoying dog comes to visit my yard, and rolls gleefully in my trash and takes giant shits on my patio.  It makes me hate you almost as much as I hate him.  FYI?  I hate him A LOT.

Then, when you asked if you could borrow my grill?  I thought you meant borrow itonce.  Not a couple times a week.  I have to admit, when you opened my back door to turn on the porch light so you could grill at 10 at night, I was too shocked to tell you to knock it the hell off.  I mean, WHO opens their neighbor’s door without knocking?  And then?  When I discovered the propane tank was empty on Thanksgiving?  It was all I could do not to throw that propane tank thru one of your windows.  You used all my propane and don’t get me more OR say something?!?!  Gah!!!  :ater, I sent BB over to tell you, because I was afraid my anger would be seething out of my skull and I would jump on your head and punch you in the ear.  BB really should not have come home and told me that you thought it was funny, because now I want to jump on your head even more.

And then?  When you landscaped your yard and your lawn tractor sliced through my underground fencing wire in two places?  I had to call the company to come fix it and I had the Invisible Fence guy re-flag the wire, so you would know it was there.  Since TELLING you it was there wasn’t enough for you.  I admit I hoped you would see it and feel bad.  Really bad.  When your husband came over to ask if he was the one that cut the wire, I thought, Yay! It worked!  Progress!  But then he offered to mow my lawn once to re-pay me.  Yeah.  I don’t think one lawn mowing session is worth the hundred dollars I had to pay the fence guy.  I don’t think I could have told HIM I wasn’t going to write him check for $100, but I did need his address so I could come mow his lawn.  What is this?  The 1800’s??  What is next?  Gonna pay your water bill in chickens?  But, I digresss….. again, shock prevented me from telling your husband, hell no!  Pay me one hundred dollars!

AND THEN?!?!  Two nights ago you sent your son over to ask for some tin foil.  Your wee little tiny southern son, who I happen to be fond of.  But, you didn’t tell him HOW MUCH tin foil you needed, so I sent him back with the whole box.  What could I do?  Tell him No?  Tell him we didn’t have any tin foil, with my kids standing right there, ready to say, YES WE DO, MOMMY!!!  I thought, what’s the harm?  Surely you would use what you needed and send the rest back.  But NOOOOOOOOOOOO.  YOU. KEPT. IT.  I know it is only tin foil.  And I am only out a few dollars, but now I have to go to the store and get MORE! 


I want to like you.  I really do.  I feel like I am trying REALLY hard.  Harder than my abnormally low level of patience should allow.  But, you have to start trying too.  Please, please…. remove your head from your ass and try too.

Love and kisses,



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