Wednesday

 

The last few days have been hard, so incredibly hard.  Sometimes my emotions are so jumbled up, I have no idea if I am crying about what is happening with Stacey now or if I am crying because it reminds me of how I felt 13 years ago when Richard died.

No one should ever have to lose a child.  It just sucks.  It doesn’t happen that often, or I tried to tell myself that.  I thought that maybe none of my friends would have to experience it, because I was that person, the one in ten or five or whatever it is that it happens to.  I just wish so badly that I could take it away, that I could rewind the past five days and somehow say something to her that would have changed things.  Rationally I know that isn’t possible, I don’t even think there is anything I could have said, but I still wish for it.

I really don’t know why people are saying I am a good friend to Stacey.  When I posted those updates on her page and then called her and read them to her?  I left those parts out.  I knew at some point she would log in and look at the comments and read it, but I just couldn’t read it to her.  Because even then it felt like a lie.  I am not doing anything that any half decent person wouldn’t do, and I feel like there is more that I could do.  For one, I could stop crying when I talk to her.  I am supposed to be strong for her… but when I hear her voice I can’t help but cry, even if it is on her freakin answering machine.  I should be boosting her spirits with positive thoughts, but all I think about is how unfair this is and how afraid I am of losing her.  I feel helpless, and every time someone says I am doing a great job I feel even more helpless and guilty.  I guess I am afraid that she will think that is why I did it, because I wanted people to think I was a great friend.  Someone told me once that they thought most things I posted on my page I put there because I wanted an ego boost.  Which couldn’t be farther from the truth, but now every time someone pays me a compliment I worry that people will think I write things looking for one.  Gah.  I am insane, no? 

I wish someone would give me a job, something constructive to do that would help.  Too bad I can’t suit up and kick Leukemia’s ass.  (or whatever it is that is making her so sick, since we are still at the point where they are just 95% sure it is leukemia.)  I wish I could build a protective bubble around her, to shield her from things people might say to her, things that people said to me that took years to get over.  I wish I could bring the baby back.  I wish I hadn’t promised her that everything was going to be ok.  I wish I hadn’t given some of you hope that it would be ok.

Gah.  I don’t know.  I am sorry if you missed the events of the last week and are completely lost.  I can’t re-hash it again though… so anyway…. let’s just change the subject, shall we?

I had my first counseling appointment today, my solo appointment.  It sure is daunting, sitting down on a couch and telling a stranger how messed up you are.  IN AN HOUR.  Who can condense their entire life, or even the past year, into an hour?  I sure can’t.  But, surprisingly, I seemed fairly clear and concise.  Well, at least not as babbling and bumbling as I usually am.  She seemed to understand me, and she was fairly easy to talk to.  I have to admit that I did imagine that after I walked out that she had to have a shot or lay down on the floor for awhile… and probably cursed the person that referred me to her.  Haha.  So, anyway, while I am not exactly looking FORWARD to going to see her every week, I at least don’t feel like I am dreading it.

That is about all from here. 

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