Wednesday

The last few days have been hard, so incredibly hard. Sometimes my emotions are so jumbled up, I have no idea if I am crying about what is happening with Stacey now or if I am crying because it reminds me of how I felt 13 years ago when Richard died.

No one should ever have to lose a child. It just sucks. It doesn’t happen that often, or I tried to tell myself that. I thought that maybe none of my friends would have to experience it, because I was that person, the one in ten or five or whatever it is that it happens to. I just wish so badly that I could take it away, that I could rewind the past five days and somehow say something to her that would have changed things. Rationally I know that isn’t possible, I don’t even think there is anything I could have said, but I still wish for it.

I really don’t know why people are saying I am a good friend to Stacey. When I posted those updates on her page and then called her and read them to her? I left those parts out. I knew at some point she would log in and look at the comments and read it, but I just couldn’t read it to her. Because even then it felt like a lie. I am not doing anything that any half decent person wouldn’t do, and I feel like there is more that I could do. For one, I could stop crying when I talk to her. I am supposed to be strong for her… but when I hear her voice I can’t help but cry, even if it is on her freakin answering machine. I should be boosting her spirits with positive thoughts, but all I think about is how unfair this is and how afraid I am of losing her. I feel helpless, and every time someone says I am doing a great job I feel even more helpless and guilty. I guess I am afraid that she will think that is why I did it, because I wanted people to think I was a great friend. Someone told me once that they thought most things I posted on my page I put there because I wanted an ego boost. Which couldn’t be farther from the truth, but now every time someone pays me a compliment I worry that people will think I write things looking for one. Gah. I am insane, no?

I wish someone would give me a job, something constructive to do that would help. Too bad I can’t suit up and kick Leukemia’s ass. (or whatever it is that is making her so sick, since we are still at the point where they are just 95% sure it is leukemia.) I wish I could build a protective bubble around her, to shield her from things people might say to her, things that people said to me that took years to get over. I wish I could bring the baby back. I wish I hadn’t promised her that everything was going to be ok. I wish I hadn’t given some of you hope that it would be ok.

Gah. I don’t know. I am sorry if you missed the events of the last week and are completely lost. I can’t re-hash it again though… so anyway…. let’s just change the subject, shall we?

I had my first counseling appointment today, my solo appointment. It sure is daunting, sitting down on a couch and telling a stranger how messed up you are. IN AN HOUR. Who can condense their entire life, or even the past year, into an hour? I sure can’t. But, surprisingly, I seemed fairly clear and concise. Well, at least not as babbling and bumbling as I usually am. She seemed to understand me, and she was fairly easy to talk to. I have to admit that I did imagine that after I walked out that she had to have a shot or lay down on the floor for awhile… and probably cursed the person that referred me to her. Haha. So, anyway, while I am not exactly looking FORWARD to going to see her every week, I at least don’t feel like I am dreading it.

That is about all from here.