Murphy’s Laws of Parenting

Murphy’s Laws of Parenting Dec 28, ’07 7:12 AM
for Mel ‘s contacts

 

~ Your child will sit in a room with you for hours and not say a word to you, but the second you get a phone call she will have to tell you 57 things and she CANNOT wait.  No amount of eye daggers you attempt throwing at her will make her stop talking.

~ Your child will use the bathroom 102 times without plugging the toilet, and then will plug it and overflow it all over the floor ten seconds before company comes over.  She will still be screaming and crying, and repeating “I am so sorry I made the toilet paper float into the hallway” long after company arrives.

~ Your child will want to talk to you about what she likes about the underwear you are wearing/what the word sex means/or ask what it means when one dog is riding the butt of another dog as soon as the repairman/UPS man/neighbor starts a conversation with you.

~ Your child will not get thirsty/hungry until you sit down and get comfortable… even if you have been walking around the house for hours AND even asked her if she needed anything before you sat down.

~ Your child will not want to collect stuffed santas or wooden snowmen, she will decide she wants to collect GLASS SNOWGLOBES.  Very BREAKABLE glass snowglobes.  And then she will break them.  A LOT.  ((There is a MORE water and snow in those biotches than you would think there would be.  Trust me.))

~ Your child will ask you 97 questions every minute while you are vacuuming your car, and force you to turn off the vacuum to hear her and you will be patient WAY longer than you usually are, and just when you finally lose patience with her, yell and use a swear word, you will look up to see the neighbor boy (whose dad is a pastor) standing in your driveway.

~ Your child will ask you to do ridiculous things, like make breakfast in the camper, and you will say yes – thinking she means cereal.  And then on your way out to the camper, she will inform you that she really meant eggs and bacon and toast, forcing you to carry 50 pounds of supplies out a few feet from your house… only to drag them back in twenty minutes later when she is cold and wants to watch Spongebob.

~ Your child will find it imperative that he enter your room without knocking and walk the neighbor boy thru to show him something on your office computer whilst you are lounging around in your room watching TV with no bra on.  GAH!

~ Your child will download the song “We Don’t  Have To Take Our Clothes Off – To Have A Good Time” (no! no! We can dance and party ALL NIGHT, and drink some cherry wine!  A-ha!) and upload it onto your ipod right before you give someone a ride in your car, then he will deny knowing what you are talking about and let the person think YOU uploaded it when you nervously try to get him to admit it is HIS song and not YOURS.

PS.  I am soooooooooooooooooo ready for Christmas break to be OVER.

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