Smart Mouth

 

 

Dear Valentine Candy Hearts,

With your cutesy little sayings  and your delicious sweetness…. I. CANNOT. STOP. EATING. YOU. (btw, thanks! I knew that I rule and that I am SO FINE AND a sweetie, but I still love hearing it from you! *blush) And I am fairly certain that eating 175 candy hearts in five mins(however delicious) CAN’T be good for me, even if it IS like swallowing happiness. AND no matter how FULL I feel, I always have room for another handful of you! GAH!   So… please, PLEASE! stop being so yummy and irresistible.

Thanks ~ Mel

 

 

Dear Writer Peoples,

Look, I am sure your THREE MONTH strike was all justified and whateverwho, and I am relieved that your strike is resolved and my shows will all be back in March. (March? WTH? That’s STILL a long time from now) But, instead of being really happy at you… I am actually still quite PISSED at you.  Without all my favorite shows, I had to resort to dvr’ing shows on the Lifetime Channel and the WE network.  I don’t even know who I am anymore!  So I begrudgingly give you congrats, but YOU BETTER BRING IT like a mo fo when my shows come back. (in March)  (Again, MARCH?  What? Why couldn’t you have been writing during the strike?  Secretly and whatnot?  So when the strike was over you could just get right back to business?  What kind of writers are you ANYWAY?  If there was a Blog Strike… I would STILL blog, I would just post it to only myself.  WTH?  Where is your dedication?)    ~ Mel

 

 

Dear CW network,

I was SO surprised to get a birthday present from YOU this year!!!  A NEW season of America’s Next Top Model starting on the very EVENING of my BIRTHDAY may just be the bestest b-day gift EVAH!  You sure know how to make a girl happy! *wink-blush

Smoochles  ~ Mel

 

 

 

Dear Neighbor Lady that is ALREADY on my LAST nerve,

So, ok.  Maybe Cody should’t have been taking out the garbage while shirtless… but he was ONLY outside for about .05 seconds so I didn’t think it was a big deal.  It BAFFLES me WHY you think this gives you the right to tell my son that he can’t ever come outside without a shirt on again.  #1 – He is in MY yard.  #2 – YOU don’t get to tell MY kid what to do. #3 – He is in MY yard.  Did I already say that?  Oopsie!  (my yard! my yard! my yard!  MY YARD!)  #4 – YOUR husband, who should NEVER be without a shirt (possibly even while he is showering) was outside ALL FREAKIN’ summer without a shirt, often make me gack in my mouth AND YOUR son has come over to MY house to hang out WITHOUT A SHIRT and I did NOT say ANYTHING to EITHER of them.  I am beginning to think maybe you WANT me to jump on your back and start pulling your hair Jerry Springer style.  Keep it up and you are about to get what you want.

Suck it ~ Mel

 

 

Dear OTHER neighbor ~

What are you doing?  WHY do you get out your motorcycle and rev it for ten minutes, making me think there is some kind of drag race happening outside, and THEN?  WHY do you ride your motorcycle up the hill and back down the hill 41 times in a row? (OK, maybe realistically it is more like 10 times, but it FEELS like 41.)  I am sure that you think you look cool in all your high handle bar pony-tailed glory (who has a pony tail in their fifties?  No one but you, that’s who.)  I am here to tell you that you do not look cool.  

Knock it off or take the bike FARTHER away than a FRICKIN’ city block.  GAH! ~ Mel