Suckfest

  Sucky Tuesday Apr 1, ’08 6:30 PM
for Mel ‘s friends, Mel ‘s family and Mel ‘s online buddies

My day started out pretty good… I got my hair done this morning and it was Shelby’s (my hairdresser and friend) birthday.  After my hair was done, I did some shoe shopping and got a cool new phone and then met Shelby back at the salon.  We drove around in her car with a hilarious speaker/horn thing she got herself for her birthday, and made animal noises (sheep, cow, horse, monkey, elephant and kitten noise, and a Danger Danger! voice and a Weee-wwwooooo Whistle) at people that were walking down the sidewalk whilst pretending we had no idea where the noise was coming from.  It was so funny, and I laughed so hard.

Then we went to lunch at my favorite restaurant (and Shelby’s too) and that is when my sister called.  All of a sudden it went from my happiest day in recent memory to the worst day ever.  The first news was that my Grandma was moved to hospice care.  The antibiotics didn’t work, none of them, and there is nothing else they could do.  There was no sense in prolonging the inevitable…. so she will get iv fluids (but no nutrition) and oxygen through a mask (but no intubation.)  Her doctor said it could be anywhere from 3 days to a week or two.  My sister told me not to worry, that she had sat near Grandma’s bedside and whispered all the reasons that all of us love her.  She said each of our names…… Julie loves you, Grandma.  Melisa loves you, Grandma.  Cara loves you, Grandma.  Kristen loves you, Grandma.  And then she told her good-bye for each of us too. 

I know she said good-bye for me, but it doesn’t feel like I have said good-bye.  How do you say good-bye to someone when you aren’t even there?  It just sucks.  The last time I saw her, she made me laugh.  She always made me laugh.  She’s a spunky little woman, the wittiest person I have ever known…..  Gah.  I need to save the eulogy for when she is gone, it just feels like she is leaving right now.  As I type this… and there is nothing I can do.

Then my sister told me there was more bad news.  My Dad had a doctor appointment this morning…. to go over the results from a test he had a few days ago, where they put a camera down his throat.  He had been having trouble breathing, and swallowing… sometimes having such pain in his chest he felt like he couldn’t breathe or he was choking.  At some point during the appointment it became evident that the problem was not in his stomach, they started thinking he was having a heart attack.  After an EKG, they decided he didn’t have a heart attack, but something was very wrong.  An hour or so later, after a few more tests, he was admitted to the hospital.  They believe he has some type of blockage, but right now we don’t know how much or how bad.  I should know more tonight late, or tomorrow morning.

I called my Mom’s cell phone, to talk to him…. but when he heard it was me, he started crying.  I have only seen my dad cry once in my life.  He has gotten choked up a few times in my life, but cried only once when I was in high school.  And even then, it wasn’t so much that he can’t talk to me, like today.

My Grandpa (my dad’s dad) died during open heart surgery.  About 14 years ago, my Aunt (my dad’s SIL) died during open heart surgery.  A few years ago my only Uncle (my dad’s brother) had quadruple bypass, which he made it through.  I called my Uncle today and he told me  the night before his bypass, he cried all night, believing he was going to die…. like his father had.  I think that is what my Dad is feeling right now.

The thought of my Dad dying is more than I can bear… he is the best Dad ever.  I cannot find one single fault in him, not one single thing that I do not love, respect and admire.  Life without him is something I have never contemplated… and I hope I won’t have to for a lot of years.

Please pray for my Dad, please pray that he is going to be ok… and pray for him to have courage while he waits to hear what is going to happen, pray that he is not afraid.

Please pray for my Grandma, that she has peace and comfort in her final days.  That she can leave this world, without feeling too much pain.

Please pray for my mother, that she has strength to withstand the loss of her mother and the potential diagnosis for my father.  Pray that she sleeps well tonight, and does not feel too lonely as she sleeps in her bed without my Dad.

And finally, please pray for my family, for my sisters and I…. that we have the courage to endure all of this, and strength to hold each other up.

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