Blah

You know what people don’t tell you? That having children will break your heart into a million pieces. Or that sometimes, your kids will actually laugh at you WHILE they are breaking your heart into a million pieces.
I knew that when I was a teenager, I did things to my parents, at times I could tell I had gutted them. But I figured I was some spawn of the devil freak of nature that finally figured her shit out when she got older.
I thought, it’ll be different than it was with MY parents because I won’t make the mistakes they made, I will do this parent shit RIGHT!!!

But? The truth is, no matter how hard you try, kids still make mistakes. They are selfish, impulsive, and sometimes just plain STUPID. And this will hurt you. Deeply.

The person that you love more than the air you breathe, who evoked feelings you never even knew you could have, has the ability to emotionally kick you square in the balls. Right when you least expect it…. because you’re busy expecting something in return for the years you’ve sacrificed for them.

It’s hard not to take it personally. It’s hard to try to tell yourself that everyone makes mistakes and it isn’t because you’re a colossal epic fail as a parent.

The hardest part is knowing that your child will probably have NO IDEA how deeply they have cut you until (and if) they have kids of their own. And yet, you still wish for them that they will never have to know, that THEIR kids will be different.

Because you would do anything for them. ANYTHING.

“Making the decision to have a child – it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body.” – Elizabeth Stone

I feel like my heart took a walk long walk today.

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4 thoughts on “Blah

  1. I don’t have kids but I saw how my sisters behavior affected my parents when we were growing up. It hurt to see their hurt. Part of growing up is doing stupid things, going the wrong way and having to be put back in line, learn lessons. Sometimes the lessons cause lifelong repercussions. And sometimes its just a stupid thing done that they recover from and everyone moves on.

    I have no doubt you’re a fantastic parent. No doubts at all. I can’t know the hurt you feel but I empathize with you. My parents for everything they did for my sister still feel they were epic failures at parenting. Its hard to watch that since I think they did an ok job with me. You need to remember that pain and hurt you’re carrying on your heart can’t do anything good for you.

    Wow, rambling here. I think you know what I’m trying to say. ❀

    Like

  2. what a great post. i think every parent dreams that they will not have that kid, and that they will make no mistakes. my kids are still young enough that i think they will like me forever and never fight back. thatcan happen, right? right?

    Like

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