Smart Mouth

When someone you know dies unexpectedly, it makes you reexamine your life.  What would I be remembered for?  What kind of legacy would I leave behind?  What would happen to the people I love?

It makes you realize how delicate life really is.   The things you say to your loved ones, or the things you don’t say…. today might be your last opportunity to say those things.

Life is a gift.  You see memes all over social media reminding you that.   Live your best life, choose to be happy because you only get one shot at life.  But, do very many people actually live that way?  I know I don’t.  Even though I live with a chronic disease and take medications with dangerous side effects, I still live my life assuming that I will be here to see my daughter graduate from high school and my son graduate from college.  I dream of the day when each of them will get married and the joyous occasion of the birth of my first grandchild.  I make jokes that I won’t be ready for grandchildren for a looooong time because I assume I have time.  I will be here, my sisters will be here, their significant others and their children will be here, my parents will be here.

But then, one night you could go to bed and just not wake up in the morning.  There could be no warning, no explanation.

That never seemed a real possibility until yesterday.

I don’t want to lose the feeling I have right now, the keen awareness that every moment counts.  I want to surround myself by people that are loving, loyal and supportive and move on from the people that have chosen not to be.  I have wasted too much energy lately focusing on the actions and motivations of other people.  I need to love and appreciate the people I have in my life and accept the love that is given to me, without question.  I need to stop wasting all of the moments that I have been given.

A lot of people I love lost a very special person yesterday and although I had known her for as long as I could remember I didn’t have a close relationship with her.  I knew her well enough to know that she left this world a better place.  She had a beautiful smile, she loved her family and when she asked you how you were doing, you could tell that she really cared about the answer.   She was very loved and will be deeply missed.

RIP Pam.