Smart Mouth

You know what would be the best alarm clock noise? A cat vomiting. Nothing makes me stand upright faster than the sound of a cat dry heaving. You have to move fast, because the offender is ALWAYS barfing on something difficult to clean. If the entire room is hardwood and there’s only one little tiny square of carpet, that’s where they’ll be.

This kind of makes you wonder, doesn’t it? As you are going about your business, blissfully unaware, they are probably walking around the house whispering to the other pets, “Dude, watch THIS!”

You’d think my cats would want to be far, far away from me because I’m going to pick them up and sprint to the door, dangling them aloft as far away from my body as possible, like I’m carrying one of those dirty diapers where the poop exploded up the baby’s back.

Of course, their favorite time to barf is whenever I shut my eyes. Especially the dead of the night when I have to follow the sound of the barfing to find them. Like a jacked up version of Marco Polo, except it’s more like:
Cat – Urp
Me – where the #%*! are you?
Cat – Urp
Me – #€!*@! $#}?¥^*!!!!!
To add to the fun, I’m half asleep, which means I forget the furniture placement in the entire house and nearly die trying to sprint carry them to the door.

If I was a cat, I’d hide and barf.
In my human’s shoe, probably.
I guess I’d be a passive aggressive cat.

My cats are just straight up aggressive. Oh, did you want to take a nap?
Is this your favorite blanket that you’re snuggled up with?
Oh, were you trying to get your recommended 7-9 hours of sleep tonight?
Is this unwashable feather filled duvet important to you??!??

Then huuuu-uup, huuu-uuUUup, huuuu-UUoouOuPP, huuhoouuup.
PLOP.