Gah! (stac)

GAH! Jan 18, ’08 9:20 PM
for Mel ‘s contacts

How can the week POSSIBLY be over ALREADY?  How am I going to actually put one foot in front of the other and make myself leave her tomorrow?  GAH. GAH. GAH!!!

I have cried a lot today… it started this morning, when Stac told me that it has meant the world to her that I have gotten so involved and invested in what the numbers are, what is going to happen next.  I cried because I have NO idea how I am gonna handle not being involved like that everyday… one of the hardest things about this happening to her has been that I feel so helpless.  Being here has made me feel more informed, and more in control.  I hate that I won’t be here.

As the day went on, I felt more and more like I was on the verge of tears.  One time I cried as I watched her sleep.  Then, when we played the slideshow of Henry.  And so many times in the bathroom today, that I have lost count.  I doubt she knows… of course she will when she reads this… but I can’t say more than “I can’t believe I have to leave” to her face without crying.  If I was less of a crybaby I would be about to tell her that I love her with all my heart.  I am SO proud of how strong she is, of how she pushes herself EVERY SINGLE DAY.  I have never met anyone as brave as she is… and I doubt I ever will.  I cannot imagine my life without her in it… and I KNOW I won’t have to, because she is SO going to beat this.  Fuck the cancer.  It cannot defeat her… she is just TOO strong.

I hope my being here for a week has helped in some tiny way, I have joked ALL week that every improvement she made was because I was here, but the truth is even being here I had moments when I felt weaker than her, when I felt helpless, and when I felt like SHE was helping ME more than I was helping her.  The week has went by so fast, because it is so easy between us.  We can talk for hours, or sit in silence… it doesn’t matter if we are talking or not, I feel connected to her just sitting next to her.  I don’t want to go. 

I am so glad that I will see all three of my sisters tomorrow.  I need that.  Because if I was just going to fly home, I think I would cry the whole way there.  If anyone can make me laugh… it would be my sisters. 

So, anyway…. the bone marrow biopsy will be Monday.  Pray for her then, pray that the % of Leukemic cells is less than 5%.  

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