Thanks to all of you for your comments and messages. It means a lot to me to have so many people thinking of me.
I am doing ok, most of the time. It was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.
The vet clinic was really nice, they even made a pawprint impression for us, in plaster.
They gave us a really nice comfy room to say good bye. There was a big squishy mat on the floor, so I sat there with her for a long time. They told us to take as long as we needed, and to let the receptionist know when we were ready. I took a long time…. every time I thought I was ready I would break down again and need more time.
Starr was so happy, wagging her tail and covering my face with big kisses, and occassionally flopping down on my legs, like she thought she was a 10lb lap dog. It would just hit me that she had no idea what was about to happen to her….
Finally I got enough courage to say I was ready. The vet came in, explained what would happen and reassured us that we were making the right choice. I held her when it happened. When she had laid down, I collapsed on top of her, and buried my face in her shoulder.
I felt her stop breathing, and that is when I totally lost it. I was sobbing so loudly, and I could hardly breathe. I had so hoped that I would be strong enough to remain composed, and not really lose it until we were in the car. It took a few minutes before I could stand, and I needed help to walk out to the car. A few times I planted my feet and Bb had to pull me forward. I felt like I could not leave.
These last few days have been so hard. I keep trying to tell myself that I did the right thing… but honestly, I am still second guessing myself. I think it might have been better if I was not in the room when it happened, because the image of those last few minutes is stuck in my mind and I feel responsible for her being gone.
I think it will be a little while longer, before I am back to normal. I didn’t expect to still feel like this so many days later.
I just miss her.