Smart Mouth

Why is there ear wax and why does it hurt so much to get it out if your ear? Inevitably you poke too deep and get that feeling like someone just lobed a javelin into your eardrum.
Also, other people can see into your ears, but you can’t. Not fair.
Why not make the NOSTRIL feel like it got javelin stabbed? That would stop little kids from eating boogers and I’d never have to sit at a another stoplight and catch an old guy picking his nose! (Sidebar: Have you ever Wikipedia’ed Nose Picking? Don’t.do.it. You can’t unring a bell, people. Trust me. You’re better off not knowing.) I would like to have spotlessly clean ears, am I alone on this??

Why does my nose run when I eat hot stuff? Cody gave me some long explanation about peppers having Capsaicin in them and that makes your body produce more saliva because it stimulates your nervous system, blah, blah…. (Sidebar: how does he always know the answers to my questions? It’s been happening since he was about 6. Make a mother feel stupid proud.)
Anyway, why am I rafting down the snot river after eating a pepper? How is that helping anything?? Why not have my body do something that was actually helpful?

And why do animals have to shed? Why can’t they all just keep ALL of their hair and have the occasional trim? And don’t tell about evolution and going back to the times when animals were not domesticated and shedding was a natural process of being a wild animal and also there were no Dyson pet vacuums back then. Because Moose doesn’t shed, his hair just grows and grows until I take him to Pampered Paws and pay them an absurd amount of money to shear him like a sheep. What would’ve happened to Moose in Olden times?

Why do construction workers have to show so much ass crack and why does it seem like they all have stomach tattoos? And why does there have to be three houses being built on my block at the same time, thereby making me see half naked tummy tatted men EVERY DAY? Seriously. Can’t they at least wear a tank top?

Warning: stop reading the blog right now if you are a man!

And what’s up with periods?? Seems like there would be a much easier way to let you know you aren’t pregnant every month. I’d rather be blind for a day, than have a period for a week. Or deaf! Deaf for a day would be awesome, especially during the kids summer vacation!
Don’t even get me started on PMS, how does it help anyone that I have murderous rage over things like lint in the air or the toilet paper roll being put on backwards. (Yes. There is a backwards. If I ever been to your home it’s highly likely that I’ve switched it for you. You’re welcome.)
And don’t talk to me about menopause either!! Because how exactly is it fair that after riding the cotton pony for 30-40 years your reward is thinning hair, vaginal dryness, nightmares, hot flashes and WEIGHT GAIN? Seriously? WTF?
(Sidebar: don’t google menopause either. Yikes.)

The End

ps. I totally know that your off to google and Wikipedia shit now.