SOOOOOOOO, last night was the big Neighborhood Association Meeting. Yay! I went with my list of annoyances in hand, ready to get ALL holier than thou on their asses. Cut your grass! Could you get rid of that old abandoned car in your yard? Quit letting your dog roam freely about the neighborhood to shat on my porch! Ect….
BB and I sat in the back row with our neighbor, remember him? He Who Never Wears A Shirt? His name is Greg, and I suppose I should be calling him that from now on. Because besides his inability to keep his shirt on, he is really quite normal compared to the REST of my neighbors.
So, we were just about to the part of the meeting where the floor is opened up for anyone to ask questions or make statements, when two little men sitting directly in front of me started mumbling….
The association president (who is the owner of the porch shatting dog) stood up and said, “YEW GOT SUMTHIN’ TO SAY?” (Picture him like Bob the Builder, take away the tool belt, and add a southern accent, a ginormous belly, a crappy haircut and a walk that suggests there is something VERY large lodged in his butt. Oh and also? An anger management problem.)
Old Guy – I just don’t think that we should have to pay for that.
Bob – WELL! THEN YEW SHOULD MOOOOOOVE!
Old Guy – Why don’t yew come ova’ here and say that BOY?
Bob – (as he makes his way from the front of the room to the back of the room in .02 seconds) Yew gonna back up that big talk Old Man?
Old Guy – (Mutter…. muttter… obscenity….. mutter)
Bob – LET’S GO! Let’s settle this like MEN!
(((Hmmmm. So? Real men come to blows over road paving issues? Never knew that.)))
At this point I had scooted my chair back (because I don’t need to die of smotherfication by way of Bob’s large arse) and was spending 50% of my time with my hands over my eyes and the other 50% of the time saying things like, “Let’s HUG it out!” or “Suppose this ISN’T a good time to tell Bob that his dog needs to stop shatting on my porch?”
ANYHOODLE…. two more times during the meeting they had explosive confrontations. Once Old Man started it up again by raising his hand and saying, “I just wanted to say that YEW (point at Bob) should not be telling me to move!” Then Bob would waddle his way to the back of the room and yell and spit in the direction of Old Man 1 and 2 again… until FINALLY my neighbor Renae (who is my new best buddy!) yelled, “SHEESH! What are YEW ALL?? In ELEMENTARY school?!?!?! Ya’ll are a bunch of STUPID rednecks!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WOOT RENAE!
She is from the south, so she can say stuff like that! If I had said it? I would be hanging from the nearest tree!
After Renae’s verbal smackdown Bob and Old Guy 1 and 2 decided to “take it outside”. I was hoping it would end with the police being called and Bob getting tasered in the parking lot, but alas, the Old Guys just decided to take their wrinkleyselves home…..
But, HEY! In a few weeks we are going to have a Neighborhood Work Day! So there will be shovels and garden equipment involved! Now THAT should be interesting!!!
I promise I will take my camera!!!