Smart Mouth

 Dear Mr. Freaky Gigantic Grasshopper,

Hi! Look, I wanted to apologize for what happened the other morning. I had NO idea you had taken up residence in my shoe. I didn’t think grasshoppers made weird nests like that, but who am I to judge? Maybe you are shacking up with a mouse or something, none of my business really…. anyhoo, I thought my shoe insert had just gotten bunched up. My bad. I really wasn’t trying to kill you when I kept jamming my toes in there. I am sure you were terrified. Then? The screaming and cursing that ensued when you fell out of my shoe? Sorry about that too. I think I kinda lost my mind there for a few seconds. I really didn’t mean it when I called you the nightmare spawn of grasshopper/praying mantis sex. Or that part about about you being a freak of nature either.

Thank God for Cody. I hope you felt reassured of your safety when he gently scooped you up and talked softly to you while walking you out to the deck, even though I was still screaming at you at from atop that chair.

But, errrrrrrrr, there is something we need to talk about. I understand that I may have injured you, but you LOOK fine to me. And IKNOW you see me staring at you through the window. Your eyes are HUGE you HAVE to see me.

So, ummmmmmm, when do you think you are going to leave the porch? Because, it is kinda inconvenient to have to walk ALL the way AROUND the house to get to where I need to go. Yes. I know I enabled you a wee bit that one time I opened the door and threw some grass out at you, but I felt bad. I figured you needed at least a day to recuperate. But, it has been a day. It has been two days. I will be delivering NO MORE GRASS.

So, please Mr. Freaky Gigantic Grasshopper, pretty please with sugar on top, kindly hop your ass off of my porch and let’s both move on with our lives.

Love,

Mel